For a few weeks now things have been building up and I had no choice but to consider that PPD might be to blame for at least some of that. Part of the reason I’m having a hard time with that possibility is because on the good days I think “I’m fine, I was just tired”. On bad days I feel like a faker, “you were fine yesterday. Just because you are having one off day doesn’t mean you need to start feeling sorry for yourself”. Lack of sleep is definitely a contributor because the bad days tend to come hand in hand with the bad nights. The other part of it is I don’t necessarily feel down or like I can’t enjoy things. I mostly just get angry and have a short fuse and I feel like everything in the world is out to get me. Sort of like the sneaky hate spiral over and over. After a couple weeks of snapping at the world, Husband cautiously approached me and said he thinks I should talk to someone. He even went ahead and found out all the information about the Employee Assistance Program that has some coverage to get things started.
We went to a park for a picnic with a couple of friends and our 2 kids. It was a really fun day out. Living in Silicon Valley, flying home-built drones and bahn mi sandwiches were on the agenda.
As the afternoon and the conversation went on I found myself sounding like a downer. We were talking about all the fun things we like to do but don’t get to do anymore. Play rock band, play settlers of catan, break out of an escape room, build a drone, go rock climbing… and the list goes on. The friend said “aww you sound so sad” and, defensively, I immediately replied “we still do fun things”. She said “like what?” and this time I had no reply for her.
I’ve been thinking about it since then. I am hopeful that someday we will get to do all those things once again. In the meantime I came up with this list of five things that are MORE fun with small kids: