Kids are notorious for not wanting to admit when they are tired. I have met the occasional mom who claims to have a unicorn child who says “I need to go to bed” when they are tired and go to sleep with no arguments. But I bet that’s pretty rare. I remember when I was a kid I hated going to sleep. I have memories of being annoyed that I had to nap in kindergarten. In former Soviet Union most kids had nap time until 5 or even 6 years old. The teachers would get mad at the kids who weren’t sleeping. There were a few times when I would say I had a tummy ache just so they would leave me alone and stop telling to stop rolling around and go to sleep. I remember chatting with my friend and being told to stop talking. I was told to stop talking quite often actually when I was a child. [Read more…]
We’re back from our Southern California family road trip. We got to see Disneyland for the first time, Hollywood and a little of LA (and a LOT of infamous LA traffic) and San Diego.
Driving so much got hectic at times but also a lot of fun. The kids did surprisingly well in the car for the many hours of driving. The last couple hours of the drive home got pretty hairy but everyone survived. I made sure that we had the ipad preloaded with a full battery and fruit ninja but I also avoided using it on the trip because I think there is something magical about the family being stuck in the car together for hours and hours with nothing to do but look out the window and talk with each other. It can be stressful but it can also be a wonderful bonding opportunity. I have really fond memories of being in the car for a long time with my parents and brother when I was a kid, despite how long the car drives seemed to me at the time. I want my kids to have these fond memories too instead of passing the ride in a haze of the ipad or movie.
Sleep anxiety is real. We’re having a particularly rough week sleep-wise. I feel like I have a newborn again. Booboo decided that she doesn’t need sleep. Plus she’s teething. She’s not particularly upset which is why I’m not sure if the sleepless nights and lack of naps is from that. When time for bed rolls around I don’t look forward to getting some much needed rest. Instead I dread going to sleep because I anticipate being rudely awakened less than two hours later. So I sit on the couch scrolling through my facebook feed for the millionth time. When I finally do get in bed, every noise and movement keeps me up. Is that the baby stirring? Is she going to start crying again? I’m afraid to close my eyes because it seems easier to just stay awake than to be woken on the verge of sleep. When I do fall asleep I’m haunted by the potential of being woken up at any point. My brain refuses to give in and I spend the rest of the night in limbo, not quite awake but not quite sleeping either.
The other day I yelled at my poor husband because he told me he doesn’t care what’s for dinner and I should decide. On the surface that might seem unreasonable. I’m sure that having an 8-month old who still wakes up multiple times per night had something to do with it as well. But what my well-intentioned husband doesn’t understand is that having to be the one to figure out what everyone will eat every day for every meal of the day is exhausting. Every once in a while I suffer from dinner decision fatigue.
Mom worries never end. Even when things are going our way, we worry. We worry when they don’t sleep. We worry when they do. I accidentally left my phone in the bedroom where Booboo is napping. Husband called me and I heard it ring over the monitor so I ran in there to get it as quickly as possible. I pick up quietly and tiptoe out of the room. I say “phew, baby stayed asleep!” and husband said “wow impressive. Is she still alive? haha”. I know he was kidding but now instead of enjoying an extra long (and much needed) nap I’m worried about SIDS and want to go check on her to make sure she’s breathing. At the same time I don’t want to wake her up. What’s a mom to do…
UPDATE: She’s alive!
For a few weeks now things have been building up and I had no choice but to consider that PPD might be to blame for at least some of that. Part of the reason I’m having a hard time with that possibility is because on the good days I think “I’m fine, I was just tired”. On bad days I feel like a faker, “you were fine yesterday. Just because you are having one off day doesn’t mean you need to start feeling sorry for yourself”. Lack of sleep is definitely a contributor because the bad days tend to come hand in hand with the bad nights. The other part of it is I don’t necessarily feel down or like I can’t enjoy things. I mostly just get angry and have a short fuse and I feel like everything in the world is out to get me. Sort of like the sneaky hate spiral over and over. After a couple weeks of snapping at the world, Husband cautiously approached me and said he thinks I should talk to someone. He even went ahead and found out all the information about the Employee Assistance Program that has some coverage to get things started.