Sometimes being present but NOT asking kids questions when emotions are high is the best way to relieve tensions and get your child (or anyone really) to open up about their feelings.
What happened when I remembered to not ask my child questions
Yesterday I picked up Lulu from school and she was all whiny and uncooperative. Then we finally get in the car, and she started whimpering and crying. Obviously something was bothering her. She wasn’t physically hurt or anything.
She cried for a bit while I hugged her. When she was ready, we started driving home and Lulu (5.5yo) and Booboo (2.5yo) had such a loving conversation that it made me tear up on the drive.
Lulu: “Booboo, my friend called me bad and stupid at school today”
Booboo (in her cute toddler voice): “oh no. That’s mean. I’m sorry”
Lulu (in a sad voice): “yeah”
Booboo (kind of angry voice): “my friend push me off a pink bike!”
Lulu: “Your friend pushed you off the pink bike today?”
Booboo: “YEAH!”
Lulu: “That’s very mean too. We both had really hard days today”
Booboo (in a sad voice): “yeah”
And then they were quiet and content for the rest of the car ride.
I loved seeing them comfort each other like this. I felt proud that they were using the skills we try to teach them so hard to show empathy for each other. So often it can seem like you’re talking to a wall when you try to explain emotional intelligence to children, and times like these show me it’s working. It’s really working!
Had I interjected when Lulu said her friend called her stupid to reassure her that of course she isn’t, that moment would have been lost. The opportunity for the two sisters to comfort and understand each other would have disappeared (of course I did talk to Lulu about what happened later as well).
Had I asked a bunch of questions, who said it? why? did you do something to them? Did you tell a teacher? What did the teacher do? Did you tell your friend it isn’t nice? etc. etc. Lulu would have shut down and stopped sharing. If I bombarded her with question when she first started crying for seemingly no reason, I would have robbed her of the chance to work through her feelings and practice empathy on her own. What she needed right then was comfort and the space and safety to work through her feelings.
The idea of not asking kids questions
We think of questions as a way to show our concern. To show that we care. But they can also feel intrusive. As a mother, I discovered that my job is about knowing when not to get involved as much as it is about getting involved. Of course the mama bear in me wants to know why my baby is crying. I want to ask ALL The questions and get the whole story. Despite the lesson I’m trying to convey in this post, I am actually very nosy indeed.
I first read about this idea of not asking questions in “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” – by the way, I recommend this book to everyone. I really wish it was required reading for all parents. Actually for all people. These communication skills can really be applied for every relationship.
When I read that part, at first I remember thinking it was very strange advice. How will you find out what you want to know? if I don’t ask “what’s wrong?” how will my child know that I’m there for them if they need it? I’m pretty sure I actually scoffed out loud thinking this must be one of those chapters you take with a grain of salt. But then slowly I started noticing how annoyed I myself get when Husband asks me or the kids a bunch of questions in a row. Even inquiries that are perfectly innocent can make you feel like you’re being doubted and attacked when you are already having a hard time making sense of your feelings. A few times I found myself being irritated and accused Husband of giving me the third degree. “I’m just trying to talk to you!” He would respond and something clicked. This must be what the book meant!
Plus, as parents, we often ask accusatory questions when we are annoyed, “why did you do this?”, “What were you thinking?” and the worst one of all “what’s wrong with you?”. I’m not proud to admit that I have asked all these questions in a moment of anger. I cringe when it happens and I really try not to go there but sometimes I slip up. With questions often coming at our kids when they are trouble, it’s no wonder our kids get wary and confused at being questioned even when it’s out of concern.
I myself didn’t realize how anxious and stressed I got when I was asked a lot of questions rapidfire, whether it was by my parents, spouse, kids or coworkers. We’re so used to being bombarded by questions that we don’t stop to consider how they are actually making us feel.
What to do instead of asking questions
I am definitely not saying that you shouldn’t ask questions. Sometimes questions still really do show someone that we care. “How was your day?” is a classic that will never get old. But now I try my best not to bombard people with rapid-fire inquiries when they seem to be having a hard time, even if I am dying to know!
But that doesn’t mean you just ignore someone who is in trouble. Quite the opposite, you can still show someone that you care without asking anything. You can make inviting statements to let your kid know you’re listening. Sometimes finding the right answer can be emotionally exhausting, so making a statement like “If you want to talk about what’s bothering you, I’m here to listen” or even a simple “I’d love to hear about your day at school”. Sometimes just saying “You look like you had a busy day!” is enough to get Lulu to launch into a full description.
When emotions are high you have to be ready to show that you’re present without knowing the full story. The disarming magic of the not asking kids questions idea is that they know they will receive comfort from you regardless of how much or how little they tell you. Knowing that they can cry or be sad or just process their feelings without owing anyone an explanation can be liberating and comforting all on its own. Taking away the pressure might actually make them more likely to share.
The wonderful side effect that I had not anticipated was the above exchange and hopefully more like it. I noticed a few times already in the past that sometimes my kids seem more willing to share their troubles with each other rather than with me.
Of course I want to be the one to comfort and fix all my kids’ troubles, but I am so happy that they know they have each other. I don’t care if they grow up to be best friends. I just want them to be sisters. Siblings. Have each other’s backs no matter how far apart they drift or how many friends they have. Part of teaching emotional intelligence to my children is to allow them to be the kinds of people who can comfort others and seek comfort when they need it. I see now that taking a step back and not asking the kids questions also allows them to seek comfort from whoever they need at that moment. Even if it isn’t me.
P.S. the kids are not always (or even usually) so sweet and loving when emotions are flying. And neither am I. We butt heads and I often feel like a tired mom cliche instead. All we can do is provide the words and the opportunities for sweetness.
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