About six months postpartum I started becoming very short tempered. Call it postpartum depression or postpartum rage. There were days when I woke up just annoyed. At everything. There were days when every little thing made me angry. Things that are usually a mild annoyance became enraging. Sometimes I could tell I’m overreacting as it is happening. Almost like an out of body experience where I saw myself yelling and freaking out, somewhere I thought “why are you getting so mad? This isn’t a big deal” and yet I was still yelling, I couldn’t seem to stop being angry. I didn’t think I had PPD, I didn’t have the “normal” symptoms of not being able to stop crying or feeling unhappy or depressed all the time. I just had this rage seething just below the surface ready to explode at any provocation. A little while ago, I posted about the first steps I took to recognize and deal with all that rage and PPD. In this post I go into much more detail regarding how PPD manifested in me. Hopefully this story about my postpartum depression and postpartum rage will resonate with you.
For a few weeks now things have been building up and I had no choice but to consider that PPD might be to blame for at least some of that. Part of the reason I’m having a hard time with that possibility is because on the good days I think “I’m fine, I was just tired”. On bad days I feel like a faker, “you were fine yesterday. Just because you are having one off day doesn’t mean you need to start feeling sorry for yourself”. Lack of sleep is definitely a contributor because the bad days tend to come hand in hand with the bad nights. The other part of it is I don’t necessarily feel down or like I can’t enjoy things. I mostly just get angry and have a short fuse and I feel like everything in the world is out to get me. Sort of like the sneaky hate spiral over and over. After a couple weeks of snapping at the world, Husband cautiously approached me and said he thinks I should talk to someone. He even went ahead and found out all the information about the Employee Assistance Program that has some coverage to get things started.